Rookie Dad Mistakes: Grocery Shopping
|Crying Toddler in Cart.|
Daddy has found this to be a really good way to add to his step count. Just cruising the aisles for a couple of items could earn him up to 1000 steps. A full blown shopping list would easily be a cool 5000 steps, which is half of his daily goal.
Looking good yeah? Now, he straps a two-year-old to the cart and he’s burning more calories from pushing. He adds a four-year-old to the mix in the hope of the kid helping to push the cart. #RookieDadMistake number 1. Nope, the little tyke doesn’t help push. He grabs on to the cart alright but he simply hops on one of the cart wheels and puts his weight on the thing. More exercise...yaaay!
After a while, Two-Year-Old starts whining that he’s hungry. The fact that he’s strapped in the cart (when he could be running wild and free down the maze of aisles) doesn’t help his countenance.
#RookieDadMistake number 2: Not packing a snack for a hungry child.
So Dad relents and allows the child out of the strap. #RookieDadMistake number 3. The moment his feet reach the ground, he bursts off running and for a few minutes, Dad doesn’t know where he is. He could be with a strange looking guy in plaid and denim who’s bought power tools and acid, or he could be with a nice attendant who’s wondering how this baby could be cuter. Luckily it’s the latter.
Dad: Whew! Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Attendant: Don’t mention it. Aww he’s so cute, I think I’m gonna keep him.
Dad: Oh that’s fine, you can return him after he finishes college.
Attendant: Ha ha ha ha
Later, Two-Year-Old is firmly strapped in place but sadly the contagious restlessness eventually gets to the Four-Year-Old. The resulting cacophony is the final ingredient in the lovely mix of calorie burning...that is, if headaches burn calories:
Dad: Okay kids let's go grab a bite at the food court.
Some bites and sips later, at the bread aisle:
Four-Year-Old: Daddy can we get donuts?
Dad (Stalling): Where did you see donuts?
(Dad’s fears are confirmed. It’s not even the clichéd cops-love-em kind. Dad may have even have settled for the Dunkin’ Donuts kind. But nooo, it had to be the junk-candy kind that look like you can get cancer just by looking at them).
Four-Year-Old: Awwwuhn! Why!
Dad: Because it’s too sweet.
Four-Year-Old: But I’ll exercise!
(Dad is surprised the kid actually knows the connection between exercise and donuts. Thanks "Sid the Science Kid" but…)
Dad: No donuts!
At the nuts aisle:
Dad: Pistachios baby!
Four-Year-Old: Don’t call me baby!
Dad: Shh! Wasn’t talkin’ to you.
At the juice aisle:
(Daddy packs a carton of HiC and is about to load another when…)
Four-Year-Old: Hey! Daddy can we get this one?
(‘This one' is a carton of “Honest Kids” organic juice. Hey! Honest. Organic. For kids. Can’t be bad eh? #RookieDadMistake number 4.)
It turns out that this juice tastes like it’s ten times diluted or something. Dad should have known there was a catch...“40 calories only”...riiiiight.
(The only way to sell the kids on it when they got home was to call it sweet water. At least it’s a less sticky mess when Two-Year-Old decides to squeeze the juice out of the straw like a fountain. By the way, that's another indication of how ‘honest’ it tastes...they never waste the other brand. Oh wait I get it...the ‘honest’ comes from how blunt the kids are about the taste.)
At the household/domestic aisle:
Dad: Whoa! Hon that's not juice. That's washing soap.
Finally it’s time to checkout:
Random Lady (cuts in): Hi, I’m not cutting in, I just want to drop this basket with the rest.
Dad: Of course. No problem :D
(what he’s really thinking is “Hey even if you were cutting in...if you were desperate...or evil...or stupid enough to cut in, then I don’t have the energy to deal with your drama. You would probably need the spot more desperately than I do”).
At the parking lot:
Dad is loading the goods in the trunk. Four-Year-Old starts doing the potty dance. #RookieDadMistake number 5: Large drinks.
Four-Year-Old: Daddy I gotta use the potty!
Dad: Er...okay...er lemme just load up and we’ll go back in.
Four-Year-Old: I GOTTA use the potty!!
You celebrate the first potty dance because it means no more diapers. Yikes! He's not wearing a diaper!
Dad (to himself): Pleasedon’tmakeamessPleasedon’tmakeamessPleasedon’tmakeamess
Eventually they make it to the bathroom just in the nick of time...whew!
The ride back home:
Four-Year-Old: Daddy I’m hungry!
Two-Year-Old: Daddy an ungwee!
#RookieDadMistake (number...er...I’ve lost count): Putting all the edibles in the trunk :(
PS. While the Honest Kids juice wasn't a hit with the kids, it wasn't wasted. It turned out to be a guilt-free way for Dad to drink juice while counting them calories.